I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
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I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
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That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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