yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
