went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
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I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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