i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
