dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
