I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
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Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
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Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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