I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
