I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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