I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
