So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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