my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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