I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
