Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
