Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
