dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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