Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
