there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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