You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
