the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
