Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
