I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My breasts were aching with rage.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
