The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
