how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
