We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
zippers are such a cool invention
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
