If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
