Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
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you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
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See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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