i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Randomize
