I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
