i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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