Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
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I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
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We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize