you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
