remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
