Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
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the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
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I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
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