I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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