his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
