omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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