I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
