is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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