Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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