Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
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I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
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I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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