now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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