happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I will pee on everything he values.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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