how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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