my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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