I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
