I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
