did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
