the condom got lost in my hair
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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