He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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