I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
