anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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