so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
